"How many times have you heard me cry out..."

"God please take this?!"
  -Plumb "Need You Now"


The lyrics to this song have been brought to mind so many times over the course of the past couple of years. The song was written by someone who struggled with anxiety and fear. Someone with a heart much like mine. I've been reminded of these words today.

I've been struggling the past few months with depression and more recently the onset of anxieties that I have not battled in years. Much has gone on in the past 6 months that I have just "muddled" through. We suffered several deaths and the news of a new move. Though most of the deaths have effected us in a somewhat indirect way, the death of Uncle Frank has lingered in my heart. I've not fully processed the fact that he is gone. My heart knows yet my mind can't wrap around the fact that I will NEVER see him again. I wish I could go back and smell his pipe just once more. I wish that I could feel the strength in his embrace just once more. I wish I could see the special way he'd scrunch his nose and close his eye, something special he did only for those who knew what he was saying with out saying a word as he did those facial gestures.  I wish I could hear his encouraging words. I wish he could see the house we will soon be calling our home. He would be so proud. He is proud. But I miss him. I haven't talked about him near enough.

Since Uncle Frank's death we have gotten the news of our needing to move. Though this is very exciting and something we knew would possibly one day come, it's been stressful. This entire last year was a year of ups and downs with moving. We thought we were moving over a year ago. We thought we were buying a house in Boardman and would be moved in by late May-June 2013. When all of that fell through, we thought we'd buy the house we've called home for over 5 years. Then, in late October, Mike's boss passed and we knew we'd be moving there. I could see then why God closed all those doors and knew one day this may come. But here I am, facing a wonderful life change and I'm full of anxiety and frustration. I feel as though the depression I felt most of the winter is subsiding. But the stress of all that has been going on came to a crashing head this past week. I started feeling the stomachaches and general belly misery. I knew it was my gallbladder. I experienced it 2 years ago. And the doctor told me stress would make it worse. I was convinced that I was going to have to have it out. When I received a text from my sister last week that had my emotions on a high, I was thrown into a physical meltdown. Having spent the entire weekend uncomfortable and finally in a "mild" gallbladder attack on Saturday, I knew it was time to do something. I took this past Monday "OFF". I rested all day. I had fasted on Sunday and Monday slowly eased back to eating. I took a nap and woke to a beautiful afternoon. I then went for a walk with the kids and came home thankful for the day "off". I've felt so much better since but still not 100%. A lot of what I'm experiencing now I believe is my IBS. As I continue to deal with the stress and anxiety I find that I feel better. I know that this all has caught up to my body and not just my mind.

So, here I sit. I realize that getting the thoughts in my mind out help tremendously. I want to feel 100%. I want to be excited about this move and enjoy the process. I want to grieve the loss of my precious Uncle Frank. I want to not be overtaken by the thoughts in my head. My hope is that journaling my feelings in this blog will bring that peace that my heart needs. Only the Lord can bring that peace and that's why this is "To the Heart of the Father."

Thank you Jesus for hearing me. For knowing my heart and my fears and worries. Thank you for bringing me peace and walking with me through this time. I know that you will guide me to the other side and I will only be stronger. Thank you for loving me, even when I am completely unloveable. Thank you for promising me a life fulfilled. Thank you for promising to give bless what is broken. Thank you for assurance that in You I can do all things!